I woke up to a bright saturday, The day can't seem to be better. And I hate it till the moment I wake up.... With no particular reason, nothing. I just follow the feeling inside me, and that feeling has been in the darkest black color for such o long time. I don't ask why anymore, truly I don't care either. I think I don't struggle. I am tired of struggling.

After 9 months of not binging or purging, I started doing it again... Total loser.. I felt so alone after it,  I have been living on my own for a year now... I just believe I missed all the perfect chances of living alone, while I was all the time busy with my own self. I want things to change.

Ignoring the fact I am the only one who can change it.

I throw food away, I binge and purge, I spend hundreds of euros on vegetables and fruits, I am a heavy smoker, I thought about having a liposuction, and I thought of dying. Oh and I am a bisexual.

A quick list of things nobody knows, but only me.

okay, here i am. no matter how much i run away from here, it is impossible to forget, or act like i had forgotten what i lived through.

i light up another cigarette, and start writing these...

i hate everything. i hate everyone. i hate myself the most, but i also hate everything i see and i live. i hate life.
i was anorexic once, turned to bulimic, turned to anorexic again, then to something between ana and mia at the same time... now? "recovered" as some people think, but still ill inside. fat and ugly, but people say it looks better on me. fuck them, i think...

i have my periods again, my stomach spasms are gone, i have hormones and i can go to sleep without trouble. but what remained still? i cannot eat a single candy by not worrying. there's not even one night that i don't lie on the bed and think about my tummy and thighs. i can't have sex without looking at my flabby arms. not even a single time that i look at my older pics and think "yeah, i looked awful now i am brilliant".

when i had severe anorexia i thought "will it ever go away? will i ever be like everyone else?" i didn't know the answer back then. now i know it.


..... no.

 why did it have to be this way. or a better question, did it have to be this way.. everything i wanted to be just faded away. i had to satisfy myself with something else, something moderate. all my dreams and ambitions are being left behind day by day.

i am living a shitty day. i hate everything. i hate the dog walking on the pavement, i hate waiting for the bus, i hate listening to my housemate talk.. i just, simply, briefly, HATE. 
when things are like this it gets even harder to get through the problems. get through my own self.

i smoke a lot.. it helps me fill my hands with something rather than food. i know it, i am a loser with no self control. but i am trying. i keep trying although a million times i failed.

Great. Not sleeping again.
I promised myself I was going to sleep tonight..... "promised myself" is the stupidest expression ever.

Why do I do all these. To achieve success? To be adored? Or just to like myself more. I wonder if there is any way that I am going to like myself, simply because I tried everything, been here and there, but it just didn't happen. 

I am buzzing around. 

I am so into my passions. Once I want to get something, I have to get it somehow. Isn't this truly why I am here? 

This is my first post. I would like it to be happy but it's just not. Sorry.